Too Much Information
by Randomus Prime
Summary: MEGATRON, STARSCREAM AND ME DOING WHAT? ... Crack, language, suggestive themes.


_**Too Much Information**_

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><p><strong>Author's Foreword<strong>

**I always wondered how our beloved characters would react if they found out about the existence of fanfiction about them, this is more or less the way I envisioned it. If you think that you can do a better job then me, of course please do try.**

**In any case, enjoy!**

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><p>Optimus Prime was never really angry, sure it looked like it a few times like when the lambo twins added laxatives into the oil supply or when Wheeljack tried to create an inter-dimensional portal to look for The Doctor, but this time, this time was completely different. The Autobot leader gathered everyone in the cafeteria to have a little talk.<p>

"Who's idea was it?"

Everyone remained quiet, afraid that Optimus would lash out on any one of them.

"I won't repeat myself, who's idea was it?"

"Optimus you just repea…"

"Shut up, Huffer. Who's idea was it? Either someone step the fuck up or I swear to The Matrix I will make you wish you could die."

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><p>Marissa Fairborn visited the Autobot Headquarters quite a lot. Sometimes her visits were purely business related, but mostly she wanted to spend as much time with the only real friends she ever made and help them out however the pilot could. This time was no different.<p>

"Hey, Sunstreaker! Hey, Sideswipe!" The human pointed at her laptop, "Sorry, just give me a minute. I am finishing something up here."

"All right, take your time."

For a few minutes it was rather quiet, the twins just sitting down and resting after a long day of never ending drills and tedious patrols as the woman was reading something on her computer; occasionally oohing, smirking and laughing in a very weird way.

"MARISSA!" Scattershot and the rest of the Technobots barged into the room, "MARISSA!"

"Ah! Don't scare me …"

"YOUR SISTER IS HAVING A BABY! LET'S GO!"

"WHAT? OH MY GOD! I AM COMING! Sorry guys I gotta go, bye!"

"Um," Sideswipe was the first to break the awkward silence, "What was that? Humans have babies?"

"Should we tell Marissa that she forgot her laptop?"

"Hm, we should do that, shouldn't we …" Sideswipe stopped for a second and looked at the piece of technology their friend left, "… or, we could look at what she was reading."

"Oh! It is probably some top secret government stuff about us!"

"Let's have a look!"

The brothers got on their knees and, carefully manipulating the laptop controls, they read what Marissa was going through.

"WHAT THE F…"

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><p>Every Thursday, Wheeljack, Perceptor and Ratchet sat down for a few cycles with several barrels of oil, discussing everything and nothing, being the only ones who rivaled each other's knowledge and intelligence.<p>

"… I find some Earth paintings to be rather deep in their meaning."

"Heh, what about the things they invent? I mean, sure they are millions of years behind us but I do have to admit that a lot of their stuff is quite creative …"

"… and doesn't explode in anybody's face."

"Well, what ya gonna do, huh? Making stuff is how we are still alive."

"… indeed it is true, my friend, however Ratchet does bring up a good point …"

"Guys!" The Lambo twins came running in, almost breaking the door. "You gotta see this!"

"Oh, fer crying out loud," Ratchet got off his chair with a very disgruntled look on his face plates, "What is it this time? A Frankenstein sticker stuck to your aft again?"

"No!" Sunstreaker ran up to the console and connected the laptop he was carrying to the monitor, "This is just, like -read for yourselves!"

Sighing, the three turned to the screen to look at what the twins were so eager to show them and began reading.

"Oh dear …"

"Perceptor and me doing WHAT?"

"Wheeljack, this is not even the beginning. You guys are not the only ones; they got similar files written about EVERYONE OF US!"

"Oh dear …"

"Dis is just WRONG!"

"IRON HIDE AND ME?"

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><p>"Hey, Cosmos, you saw Hound and Mirage anywhere?"<p>

"No, sorry guys. Last time I heard they were in the gym."

"Thanks! Sorry can't talk, gotta run!"

"What do you think their reaction will be?" Sideswipe turned to his brother as the two ran down the hallway.

"So far, I doubt we will get any different impressions from before."

"Fair enough, oh! There is the gym! Hound! Mirage! Huffer, get out of here."

"You guys HAVE to read this! Here," Sideswipe put the portable monitor on one of the tables and brought up a page from the Internet onto the big screen.

"Well, we were taking a break anyway, might as well."

"Sure."

The two took a bottle of oil each and began drinking.

"PFFFFFFFFF…"

"WHAT?"

"ME …"

"… WITH ME?"

The green and the white-blue mechs looked at each other with their optics wide open and ran into different corners of the facility, screaming off the top of their vocal boxes.

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><p>Prowl knew that there were a lot of things out there beyond his understanding but this just short circuited his robotic brain.<p>

"So, what do they call this?"

"Fanfiction."

"So, in this 'fanfiction' me and Jazz are …"

"To the break of dawn sometimes."

"I find the idea of us …"

"Trust us, so far, you are the most calm …"

"I AM NOT CALM! THIS IS FREAKING DISTURBING! AAAAHHHH!" The officer ran off, hitting a wall, quickly recovering; this time sprinting into the corridor, tripped, hit his head on the wall and finally lost consciousness.

"Should we show this to Kup and the dinobots?"

"Let's just make sure we are far away from them when they start reading this …"

"So agreed."

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><p>"Damn younglings ..."<p>

"Why you bring dinobots here? We no read!"

"Trust me Grimlock, this is gonna be worth it."

"So what is on these things?"

"Huffer, shut up and do as you are told."

"So why're you kids talking to us over the console?"

"We, um, need to stay in this room for, um …"

"We need to keep an eye on some of the equipment, Ratchet asked us to."

"Uh-huh, sure he did. Reminds me of Epicday II, the Watchers kept spamming …"

"Ergh, why do I always have to do all the work around here? Can't …"

"Shut up, Huffeh."

"All right, just plug the wire in, yes, right, you got the image?"

"Yeh, we are receiving you."

"Ok, just open up, yes, and now, read."

"I do all the work here and nobody even says thanks …"

"Me, Grimlock say shut up, Huffer. Dinobots! Transform and read!"

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><p>Optimus Prime sat at his desk in his quarters, completing some paper work before going to recharge. So far it has been a quiet day, nothing happening actually. Well, not as far as he knew because the leader was processing paperwork the whole day.<p>

"Prime!"

"What happened, Ultra Mangus? Decepticon attack? I didn't hear any alarms …"

"Worse, Sunstreaker and Sideswipe …"

"Oh by The Matrix! What did they do this time?"

"They didn't really do anything bad, just brought a certain matter to everyone's attention."

"Oh, all right, so what is it?"

"Well," his old friend put a portable console unit on the table and turned it towards Optimus, "This is called fanfiction. Why don't you give a read to see what the humans write about you, Megatron and Starscream."

"All right," Prime began reading what Ultra Magnus put in front of him. After a minute he suddenly leaned back on his chair so fast and so far that it left him hanging precariously for a few seconds, before finally falling to the ground waving his servos all over the place, "DA FUCK IS DIS SHIT? MEGATRON, STARSCREAM AND ME DOING WHAT?"

"At least you didn't get scarred for life like Kup and the dinobots were. Oh, wait, damn."

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><p>"Why don't I have anyone?"<p>

"Shut up, Huffer."

"Friends, this is really not fair. I understand how Optimus and Megatron get a lot of fanfiction written about them but I am present as a secondary character or less! Me and Seaspray!"

"Blam! Me too, Cosmos! I am not paired up with no one! Tapoom! Feelin' left out! Zam!"

"Yeh! Imma put with that human girl I got stuck with! Me! Powerglide!"

"Guys! Me and Sideswipe weren't the ones who wrote these things! You are going to have to talk to their authors!"

"Yeh! Good idea! Now how to we find them?"

"I think it would be best if they find us."

"What daya mean?"

"Well," Sideswipe approached the console and began typing out letters, "we could tell them where we live so that they could come and talk to us. If we looked for them, we would have never found them in the first place but this way …"

"Oh ye? An' what 'bout a Decepticon attack? It's a security breach, ye know!"

"We got that new experimental shield generator that Perceptor made, so far it works. It will give us enough time to secure everyone. Besides, it is not like our coordinates are top secret."

"Eh, ok then …"

"Kadam!"

"This is just not fair!"

"Shut up, Huffer."

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><p>"Hey! Sideswipe! Sunstreaker!"<p>

"You see the sign, Mirage?"

"Huh?" The Autobot looked up at the sign the twins put up. "_'We didn't write the fanfics, the humans did.'_ Yes, I know! I just want to know your opinion on me and Cliffjumper 'getting it on' because of that one time we saved one another's lives!"

"To tell ya the truth, Mirage, both of us think that many of these fanfics are disturbing but we do have to admit that a lot of them are quite amusing and interesting."

"… but I hate Cliffjumper! Well, not hate–hate but …"

"… the two of us and Perceptor! Wow, I didn't even know that was possible! If we think about it, it makes a lot of sense! I see how it would work with the Technobots but …"

"… you seriously enjoy this?"

"Some of it."

"Hey, Mirage, have you read Starscream and Megatron fanfics …"

"Hey!" Tracks walked into the room, "Hello, Mirage. Guys! These fanfics make me sound like a big time who…"

"Yes, we noticed."

"Does Prime know about this?"

"We are pretty sure he does already …"

"How?"

"We were passing by his quarters when we heard screams of agony. I think he read how he was doing it with Megatron and Starscream."

"Wow! Too much information!"

"Hey! That was saucy! You should really read Kup and the dinobots doing it …"

"TOO. MUCH. INFORMATION."

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><p>"Oh, dear."<p>

Perceptor just finished reading every single bit of this "fanfiction" that included him as a major character. It was very unsettling for the scientist; him doing it with the lambo twins, Tracks, Technobots, Megatron, so on and so forth. In the millions of years that he lived, he never encountered anything like this.

"Oh, dear."

Suddenly, the Autobot felt like someone was watching him. Freezing in place, he slowly and carefully looked around the room.

"Um, is someone here?"

"Aaaahhh~"

"AAAAHH!"

Suddenly feeling someone hug his leg, Perceptor couldn't help but jump up in place. After the initial shock he looked down on the ground and saw a human girl, drooling and looking up to him.

"Who are you?" He was quickly getting uncomfortable.

"Hey Percy!"

"Who are you and how did you get here?"

"Oh, Percy," The fangirl only tightened her grip on the microscope, "I will take care of you! How much I love you …"

"… oh, dear …"

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><p>"AAAAHHH! LEAVE ME ALONE!"<p>

"Hey, Red, what's goin…"

"AH! STAY AWAY FROM ME! INFERNO!"

"What the …"

"THE IMAGES! THE HUMANS! THEY ARE ALL CHASING MEEEE!"

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><p>Rocking back and forth in the corner, scarred for life, the dinobot leader was hiding for the first time in his life.<p>

"This no happen to Grimlock, this no happen to Grimlock, this no happen to Grimlock and Kup …"

"OH MY FREAKING GOD! GRIMLOCK! KYYYYYAAAAAA!"

"GET HIM!"

"C'MERE BIG BOY!"

"You are the king of my world!"

"Ravage me!"

Seeing a whole group of humans rush towards him, Grimlock felt close to the point of breakdown. He sprung up and ran into The Ark, completely ignoring the walls and screaming off the top of his air pumps.

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><p>Hot Rod had to lie down. Out of all the things he did or ever happened to him, this way, way too much. Unable to fall asleep, he was trying to delete what he read but the files decided to be stubborn and stay.<p>

"Hey, cutie-pie!"

"Hey. Wait, WHAT?"

The orange mech wanted to get up but noticing that a few humans were on his chestplate, he didn't dare to move.

"Oh my god! He is so cute and awesome! I think I am going to faint! EEEEEEE!"

"Wh-wh-wha…"

"Hey, big guy," one of the girls walked down to his crotch plate and began gently caressing it with her hands, "Want me to take you for a spin?"

"I called dibs!"

"Me first!"

"… slag …"

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><p>"WHO GAVE AWAY OUR COORDINATES?"<p>

Optimus Prime was never really angry, sure it looked like it a few times, like when the lambo twins added laxatives into the oil supply or when Wheeljack tried to create an inter-dimensional portal to look for The Doctor, but this time, this time was completely different. The Autobot leader gathered everyone in the cafeteria to have a little talk.

"Who's idea was it?"

Everyone remained quiet, afraid that Optimus would lash out on any one of them.

"I won't repeat myself, who's idea was it?"

"Optimus you just repea…"

"Shut up, Huffer. Who's idea was it? Either someone step the fuck up or I swear to The Matrix I will make you wish you could die."

"Oh, come on Prime! It's not like this is top-secret …"

"IT IS FOR THE GENERAL HUMAN POPULATION!"

"… but …"

"How would we protect them if we do not have our shields up and operational?"

"You mean, we don't have shields?"

"The one time it worked was a fluke!"

"… damn …"

"Alert, Decepticons inbound."

"Damn, we will discuss this later. Why, you know something about this? Sunstreaker? Sideswipe?"

"Nope."

"Nuhuh."

"All right then. Autobots! Tra…"

"TRANSFORM AND ROLL OUT!"

"… oh, dear. Handling humans is harder than I thought …"

"KYYAAA!"

"Just stay safe."

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><p>"SLAGGING DAMN IT!"<p>

"Your grand plan foiled again, Starscream?"

"Quiet, fools! Let's just land, fix ourselves and get out of here!"

"You are trying too hard sometimes …"

"I told you to be silent! Once I overthrow Megatron …"

"KKYYYYAAAAAAAAA!"

"What the …"

"IT'S HIM! STARSCREAM!"

"What the …"

"WE LOVE YOOOOOUUUUUUU! I WANT TO HAVE YOUR BABIES!"

"LET'S GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!"

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><p>"Well, that was …" Prime again got everyone into the cafeteria, "… interesting …"<p>

"We got to see Starscream! He is so cute!"

"Uh-huh, in any case, Autobots, after some talk with Ultra Magnus and Alpha Trion, we came to a solution for this …" Optimus threw a glance at the fans, "… happening. We came here to protect Earth from the Decepticon threat and as much as it 'pains' me, the lack of such 'interaction', we must relocate."

"WHAT?"

"NOOOOOOOOO!"

"BUT WHY?"

"I am sorry but this is for your own safety. Next time, Starscream won't hesitate to shoot. If anything is to happen to you, we will be personally responsible. I am sorry, my decision is final."

"Hey, Optimus!"

"What is it Sunstreaker, Sideswipe?"

"What if they could stay for just a little bit?"

"YES! YES!"

"LOVE! LOVE!"

"YES! PLEEEEEEEEAAASEEEE?"

"Um," Optimus Prime kept switching from looking at the fans to his soldiers, seeing into their scarred minds through their optic sensors, "Because nobody stood up and took responsibility for this, I will allow them to stay until midnight."

"WHAT?"

"OPTIMUS! HOW COULD YOU?"

"KYYYYYAAAA!"

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><p>P.S. … yes … Thundercracker and Skywarp got interested in what happened there so they took a look or themselves … again, the Decepticons wept …<p>

P.P.S. yes, in case you didn't notice … I removed all the sex from their lives and made them exactly as they were in the children's cartoon … haters gonna hate …

P.P.P.S. the new location was Autobot City …

P.P.P.P.S. Everyone was scarred … for the rest of their lives …

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><p><strong>Author's Notes<strong>

**Well, there you go, I certainly hope I didn't ruin anything for anyone and that this was rather enjoyable.**

**YOU KNOW they will be THAT annoying ... now The Decepticons have a more powerful enemy to deal with, the fangirls ... and the most powerful one has reviewed and edited this ... you know who you are!**

**Thanks to C.M.D. for reviewing and editing.**


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